Retreat

Here’s a funny take on the awesome scene from Sholay in which Amitabh Bachchan goes to Hema Malini’s Mausi for Dharmendra’s sake.

After giving up ‘goondagiri’, Veeru has now joined an Indian body shopper and has become a Computer Consultant. Jay goes to Mausi for ‘Basanti kaa haath mangane’……….

MAUSI: Bura nahin maanna beta, itna to poochna hi padtha hai ki ladke ka khandaan kya hai, uske lakshan kaise hain, kamaata kitna hai, US me masters kiya he…

AMITABH: kamaane ka to ye hai mausi, ki ek baar biwi baccho ki jimmewari sar pe aa gai, to consultant ka kaam chod kar regular employee hoga aur phir kamaane bhi lagega.

MAUSI: to kya abhi kucch bhi nahin kamaata?

AMITABH: nai, nai, ye maine kab kahaa mausi. kamaata hai lekin, ab roj roj to ‘client’ mil nahi sakta na, kabhi kabhi “BENCH” per baith jaata hai bechara.

MAUSI: BENCH pe bhi aana jana hai?

AMITABH: haan mausi, ab ye kambakht Computer Consultancy cheej hi aisi hai. Aur bench par to bade bade log jeseke Bill Gates, Andrew Grove, Larry Ellison bhi betha karte the.

MAUSI: to kya programmer hai?

AMITABH: chee, chi, chi, chee, chee! wo aur programmer? NAA! NAA!! wo to bahut hi acchhaa aur nek ladka hai, lekin waise ek baar kisi desi body shopper ke haat lag jaye na phir ‘language/RDBMS/QA’ ka kahaan hosh rahta hai! haath pakad ke ‘IDMS’ ya ‘QA’karvaane bithadiya desi ne, ab isme bechaare Veeru ka kya dosh.

MAUSI: theek kahte ho beta, programmer woh, DBA woh, DESI ke paas kaam karta hai woh, lekin uska koi dosh nahin.

AMITABH: mausi aap to mere dost ko galat samajh rahen hai, wo to itna seedha aur bhola hai, arey Basanti se uski shaadi kar ke to dekhiye, ye ‘programming’, ‘DBA’ aur ‘client ke paas jane ki aadat’ to do din main chhoot jayegi.

MAUSI: arey beta is budhiya ko samjha rahe ho! apne COMPUTER CONSULTANTS ko chod dene ki aadat kisi body shopper ki chhooti hai aaj tak?

AMITABH: mausi aap Veeru ko nahin jaanti, biswaas kijiye wo is tarah ka insaan nahin hai. ek baar shaadi ho gai to wo ‘PAGER’ bhi rakhna band kar dega, bas PROGRAMMING apne aap chhoot jayegi.

MAUSI: hai raam, bas yehi ek kami baaki rah gai thi, to kya PAGER bhi rakhta hai?

AMITABH: to usme kaun si buri baat hai mausi, arey PAGER to PRESIDENT,VP, CEO aur unchey-unchey log rakhte hai haan.

MAUSI: accha! to beta ye bhi batate jaao ki tumhare ye gunwaan dost assal me kis company ke employee hai?

AMITABH: bas mausi, hum ‘trace’ kar rahe hai, original HI milte hi company ka pata chal jayega aur hum aapko khabar de denge.

MAUSI: ek baat ki daad dungi beta, bhale sow buraiyaan hon tumhare dost main, phir bhi tumhare muh se uske liye tareef hi nikalti hai.

AMITABH: kya karoon mausi, hum body shoppers log hi kucch aise hai. to ye rista pakka samjhoon.

MAUSI: pakka! bhale saari jindagi ladki kuwaari baithi rahe,lekin aise aadmi se Basanti ko nahin byahne waali, sagi mausi hoon koi sauteli maan nahin.

AMITABH: ajeeeeb baaat hai, mere itne samjhaane par bhi aapne inkaar kar diya, bechaara Veeru, na jaane ab agla client kaha milega!!

If Airlines Were Based on Operating Systems

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.

They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece,

Arguing nonstop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

***********

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on.

***********

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same.

Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

***********

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth takeoff. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

***********

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

***********

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline.

They build the planes and ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves.

They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench, and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.HTML.

Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do what with the seat?”

This one is from Digit forums, a letter from Techie.

Soft Baby,…
I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and

realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long

time, I’ve been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be

a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program

without you that never produces an executable code and hence is

useless.

You not only have a beautiful face, but all your ActiveX controls are

attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me

and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.

When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules

running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never

experienced before.

With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together,

I’ll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a

human being to live an error free life. Also don’t bother about the

Firewall, which may be created by our parents as I’ve strong hacking

capabilities by which I’ll ultimately break their security passwords

and make them accept our marriage.

I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that

my connect script would fail. And it’s all certain that if this

happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly

interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your

Inbox.