Archive for Jokes

Present For Husband

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says: “An Italian girl !!!”

The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:

“So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.”

“And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” She asked. “The one I asked for – an Italian girl!!”

“Oh, that” she said “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!

Guys watch out what you ask for

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Making Babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

“Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…” “Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you! ! ! .” “Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”

“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat”. After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?” “Leave everything to me.

I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.” “Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”

“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.” “My, that’s a lot!”, gasped Mrs. Smith. “Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.” “Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said. “Oh, my word!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” “She! ! ! was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look” “Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

“Yes”, the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly sq! ! ! uealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.” Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?”

“It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.” “Tripod?” “Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.”

Mrs. Smith fainted

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Family Problems

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,”You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.

We call this arranged marriage.I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love…I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.”

The American said, ” Talking about love marriages?… I’ll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.

“After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son I.e. My brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems.. ? !

*********

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Longevity

an email forward:
An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up .

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”

I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape.” I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.” “Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”

“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?”

” Who said my Dad’s dead?”

The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?”

“He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive … he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”

“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?”

” Who said my grandpa’s dead?”

Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”

“He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”

“No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”

” Who said he wanted to?”

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George and Condi

One day George & Condi

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

 Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That’s what I want to know.

Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.

George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow’s name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

 Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?

Condi: I’m telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That’s the man’s name.

George: That’s who’s name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

 George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he’s dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That’s correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don’t want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

 George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone

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A Divorce Letter

Dear HusbandI’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve
Been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been H word from underground.

Your boss called to tell me that you
Had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
Home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
Favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in
Two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t
Tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything Either you’re
Cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away
To West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-wife

***********************

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you
And I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
From what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out

Your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut
Off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You
Look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if
You can’t say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal,

You must have
Gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven
Years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because
The price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my
Brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your
Negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we
Could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten
Million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica .

But When I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I
Hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your
Letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

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A benevolent Genie

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.” 

 So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

 A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.

 ”Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,

I’m a g enie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll Give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.” 

“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!”

“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked. “I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said. 

 ”Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!”

“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”

” Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.”

 The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

 She mul! led it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”

 ”You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband.

“I’d do the same for you!” So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. 

After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.

“Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you  still believe in genies?”

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New Recruitment Policy

Got this in a fwd.

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.

Congratulate them and put them in top management .

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Brazil and France

It is just before the France v Brazil football match.
Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only France.
They’re sh!t and we can’t be bothered.”

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, “Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub.”

So Ronaldinho goes out to play France by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads

“Brazil 1 – France 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)”. He is beating France all by himself!

A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on.” They put the teletext on.

“Result from the Stadium ‘Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10minutes) – France 1 (Henry 89 minutes).”

They can’t believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against France!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”

“Don’t be daft, you got a draw against France, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!”

“No, no, I have, I’ve let you down…I got sent off after 12 minutes.”

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