Archive for December, 2006

Upgrading Yourself

December 12, 2006 at 6:25 pm · Filed under Life

Tech Support: Yes, … how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think ‘m ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem.
However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment.
Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error – Program not run on external components.” What should I do?
…..

Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set up torun on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart.

In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files:

Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your
Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming.

Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files.
Smile
is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart, Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running.
One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware.

Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

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Miss-Understanding

December 12, 2006 at 6:09 pm · Filed under In Lighter vein, Language Jokes

When you have misunderstanding between two cultures this is what happens:

In the days when you couldn’t count on a public toilet facility, an
Englishwoman was planning a trip to India.
She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local
schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for “Water Closet”. She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring the facilities about the WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if
he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a
“Wayside Chapel” near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.

So the schoolmaster, with the help of the priest, got together the
following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is
Located 9 miles from the house.It is located in the middle of a grove of
pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early.There is,however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband.

It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was
wonderful to see the ex-pressions on their faces. My wife,sadly, has
been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she
went last,which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many
people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time!

I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an
organ accompaniment.

The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be
heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.

We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating
you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster

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